The practice of a man asking her father for his blessing or permission to marry his daughter came to mind recently. I know there are still men who do it, but undoubtedly not nearly as common as it once was. I know a lot of people view it as a sign of respect to the woman’s parents, and some women like the idea that their parents like the guy she’s involved with enough to give them their permission even if the act doesn’t carry the same weight it once did years ago.
I say it doesn’t carry the same weight as it did years ago because today it’s more of a formality. If the father were to hypothetically say, “no”, it wouldn’t necessarily prevent the couple from getting engaged. Back in the old days, it would have been more likely to prevent the engagement than it does today.
Personally I don’t like the practice. I find it to be sexist and outdated. A remnant of the olden days when women were viewed as property, first by their fathers, then their husbands. Marriages back then were just another business transaction between men. In some cultures it still is… marriages are still arranged in those cultures.
So while I would like it if parents of the woman I loved and wanted to marry liked me and were eager to have me become a part of their family, I wouldn’t ever ask their permission. I believe the woman is in control of her own live and capable or deciding for herself whether or not she’d want to marry me and if she truly loves me she’d do it regardless of whether or not her parents accepted it. Your parents don’t have to live with your spouse. They don’t have to have sex with them. Therefore it shouldn’t matter if they like who you’re marrying or not. It’s just a bonus. It’s a bonus that would make family gatherings more tolerable but it’s better that your parents don’t like your spouse than it is if YOU don’t. The only exception I can see to this is if the potential future husband is a dangerous person who could and possibly would cause harm to their daughter. Even then it’s still not their decision, but in that case I could totally understand their interference.
However, I have nothing against giving a woman’s parents a heads up and letting them know that you intend to marry their daughter. Telling someone what you intend to do and asking them for their permission are 2 different things.
Lone Wolf
I was actually thinking about this the other day, too.
I like the idea of a man approaching his soon-to-be bride’s parents, explaining how he feels, his intentions, and asking for their blessing on the hopefully-upcoming wedding (NOT their permission for it to take place) and on his potentially formally joining the family. It may be a bit antiquated, but I think it’s sweet.
I just hope my mom doesn’t give the surprise away the next time like she did the first time. *sigh*
I had a friend several years ago whose parents were EXTREMELY upset that her now-husband didn’t approach them first and ask their permission. In fact, they were so upset that they wrote him a letter detailing how they felt that he was stealing their daughter away from them and how disrespectful it was (even though the two had been dating for over 4 years). Yeesh! I know my parents would never do something like that, but it would still be nice if they at least had a heart-to-heart about it.
Empress: Isn’t asking for someone’s blessing the same as asking for their permission?
If it were me approaching the parents of the woman I love I’d say something like, “I truly love your daughter and always have for as long as I’ve known her. There’s nothing that could possibly be more meaningful to me than asking her to marry me and share a life together. I want to spend the rest of my life making her happy and treating her the way she deserves to be treated and showing her every chance I get how much she means to me. As her parents I wanted to let you know that I intend to ask her to marry me one day soon and it is my hope that you’ll approve of our marriage, but if not, I hope you’ll at least respect your daughter’s decision and be happy for her if she agrees.”
Sorry to hear your mother ruined the surprise for you the 1st time around. If/when I ever tell a woman’s parents of my intentions to propose to their daughter I wouldn’t give them any details as to when I plan to ask or how, so even if they spoil the surprise she may still be surprised when it actually happens, but I would hope that they wouldn’t say anything to her.
About your friend that’s crazy. If I were the woman’s fiance I’d say, “Excuse me, I ’stole’ your daughter from you? I’m sorry I didn’t realize you considered her to be a piece of property. I thought her future belonged to her and her decision about who she wanted to share that future with was hers. I didn’t think I needed YOUR permission to marry HER”.
I view them giving their blessing more as a “welcome to the family” than as a “sure, we’ll let you marry her” kind of thing. Honestly, it’s not that big of a deal for me either way. I *would* like for them to have a head’s up ahead of time, but it doesn’t have to be some big formal to-do.
My mom knew that he was proposing on Christmas morning and she and my sisters were going to be in Louisiana for Christmas. She called me Christmas Eve and insisted repeatedly that I call her the second I got my Christmas present. “And I mean immediately! Don’t forget to CALL ME, okay? CALL ME immediately afterward! Promise? Okay. I love you. Don’t forget!” Bah humbug.
Empress: That makes sense I suppose. If I propose to someone I wouldn’t propose on a day that’s already special like a holiday or a birthday. I’d want her engagement to be on a day separate from any other special occasion. And when I told her parents of my intentions (assuming I intended to tell them at all) I wouldn’t tell them when or how I planned to ask her. By the time I told her parents of my intentions she’d already know that it was around the corner anyway, just not when. I wouldn’t want to ask a woman to marry me unless I knew the answer would be positive so she’ll know it’s coming, just not know when exactly.
Despite your mother’s over-eagerness were you excited about Bill’s proposal at the time?
You know. First guy who asked me talked to my parents about it, and didn’t get their blessing whatsoever. Not that it mattered to me one way or the other, BUT, it did end up mattering to him. I would say sadly he decided he wasn’t going to ask me until he got their permission, but they already knew I was planning on breaking up with him. But it gives a whole new spin on things or not only how does the girl end up feeling in the end if the parents don’t give it, but what about the guy? To some men, it matters.
I’m happy the one I’m with now never asked my parents. But, I tend to view my relationships, including engagements or marriages, as my own. I don’t think they need to be welcomed to the family, per say. He isn’t marrying my family. Just me.
Morphine: Wow, I couldn’t do that. If my girlfriend’s parents didn’t like me it wouldn’t stop me from asking her to marry me. If you wait around for the parents to like you you might never get married. The way I see it is if you get married even if the in-laws don’t approve you’ve got a lifetime to try to improve the relationship with them, eventually they might grow to like you. If not their daughter’s happiness should be more important to them. Yes, I’d prefer that my girlfriend’s parents approved of me marrying their daughter, it would make things go a lot smoother and easier, but I wouldn’t let the in-laws opinions of me stop me from marrying their daughter as long as she wanted to marry me.
I agree with you your relationships are your own and you’re marrying a person, not their family.
Darlin’, you also have to take into consideration the extreme pressure that going against her family would put on your future bride. It would be a game of constant tug-of-war between you and her family and that can be very, very, very tiring for her to deal with. Life sucks as a middle-man. (Not saying it can’t be done, though.)
I *am* of the mindset that when you marry someone, you get their family, too. It’s very important to me that I get along with my significant other’s family as though they’re my own and vice versa. Relationships can come and go but families are forever.
Empress: I do take that into consideration and like I said I would prefer it if the family approved, but if the family doesn’t does that mean you sacrifice your happiness and your partners? Do you really give your family that much power over your relationship? As happy as you are with Scott right now if you family didn’t like him would you not marry him (assuming marriage was something you both wanted)?
I agree that when you marry someone you get their family too, but the marriage is the main course… family is an appetizer. It’s selfish of a person’s family to interfere with their children’s happiness and if the family is going to choose to be selfish then why let that ruin the relationship? The way way I see it is if Grandma and Grandpa want to see their grandchildren often as realistically possible they’ll at least practice civility… nod and smile then they can bitch and complain after we leave.
You’re right generally relationships do come and go, but the purpose of marriage is to be forever. Maybe it doesn’t always turn out that way unfortunately, but that’s the goal and if you really love someone and you’re truly happy I don’t think you should let anything get in your way, even your family. Because like you said, family is forever and they’ll be there if the relationship fails. They might say “I told you so”, or “You know we didn’t like that asshole from the beginning.” But they’ll still be there.
Amy and I for example, we’ve gone thru more shit together than most marriages and we STILL are passionate about each other. We were almost destroyed by the whole adoption issue, but we worked thru it and today we’re happier than ever with each other. But our families are another issue. My mother doesn’t like Amy because of the times Amy broke up with me, twice to go back to her husband and because she intended to give up my mother’s only grandchild for adoption. Amy’s parents don’t know me, but they’ve formed a negative opinion about me based on the fact that I’m an atheist and they’re Christians. They think I’m some kind of morally bankrupt home wrecker or something. Neither one of our parents would approve of our marriage, but I’ve wanted to marry her for 15 years. I have no intention of waiting around for parental approval if Amy and I ever decide we want to get married. I would love to get along with her parents and I’m sure Amy feels the same way about my mother, but despite our desires for our families to accept our relationship we wouldn’t let it stop us. They’ll have to get on board or be left behind.
i asked Juliette’s dad… but i kinda knew the answer would be yes… i pit forward my case very simply that i adored her and wanted to grow old with her… he knew that… but i thought i sshuld run it by him… her folks are very relaxed in some ways and very traditional in others
in france though, seems they’re not 100% used to this… well, if you ask the dad, means you’ve already asked the wife to be… but i hadn’t… i was asking J that weekend… anyways, dad told the whole fucking family… so J was the last to know of anyone in her family…
i know where you’re coming from… i wouldn’t let a ‘no’ answer dissuade me and i’d let the father know but i would go to him with my case anyway and try and turn their opinion around
Dickbar: I agree with you. Telling the parents of your intentions is a fine thing to do but not to let their disapproval dissuade you from your intentions. But then making the effort to turn their opinion around would be best for everyone. That’s exactly what I would do in that situation.
The first time I got engaged, he asked me. He never asked my parents. I broke up him a few months later, so it’s a good thing he didn’t.
Same exact thing happened with the next guy. (second verse, same as the first!)
The next guy, he and my parents pretty much said that it was going to happen, I didn’t have much choice in the matter. Eventually he asked me (a sad story) and then he formally asked my dad. I ended up going through with it.
My next time, he asked me. Ha, remember that, you were there (even if you didn’t know it until later, hehee)! We already know what everyone’s opinion is going to be. For lots of reasons, the parents don’t know yet. I don’t know if he’ll formally discuss it with them or not when the time is right, but I don’t think he would ever ask PERMISSION. It’s not their choice to make, it’s not like I’m 18 and still living at home…
Sam: Every situation is different. I think when it’s possible to do so without making waves at least letting the parents know of your intentions can be a positive thing. If letting them know will cause more problems than it would prevent, then maybe it’s not the best idea and should be avoided and then give them a chance to get to know you as in-laws and hope their opinion turns around.